Christmas Jokes for Kids and Adults

Best read out loud, in the silly voice. These work from about age four. Children will repeat them all afternoon, then again in the car, then once more at bedtime.

• What do you call Santa when he stops moving?

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  Santa Pause.

• What do snowmen eat for breakfast?

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  Frosted flakes.

• Why did the Christmas tree go to the barber?

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  It needed to be trimmed.

• What do you call a kid who doesn't believe in Santa?

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  A rebel without a Claus.

• What's a snowman's favourite drink?

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  Iced tea.

• Why was the snowman looking through the carrots?

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  He was picking his nose.

• How does a snowman get to work?

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  By icicle.

• What do you call an elf who sings?

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  A wrapper.

• What did the gingerbread man put on his bed?

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  A cookie sheet.

• What's the wettest animal at Christmas?

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  The rain-deer.

• What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?

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  Tinsel-itis.

• What do polar bears eat for lunch?

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  Ice burg-ers.

• Send one of these to someone who needs a Christmas laugh.

A dad joke is meant to land halfway between a smile and a groan. If nobody groans, try again with worse timing.

• Why don't Christmas trees ever get along?

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  They're always throwing shade — and needles.

• What do you get if you cross a snowman with a vampire?

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  Frostbite.

• Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace?

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  He wanted to sleep like a log.

• What do you call Santa's helpers?

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  Subordinate Clauses.

• Why did Santa go to therapy?

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  Because of his low elf-esteem.

• What's the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the regular alphabet?

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  The Christmas one has no L.

• Why did the turkey join the band?

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  It had the drumsticks.

• What do you call Father Christmas when he takes a break?

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  Santa Pause. Again. Sorry.

• How does Santa keep track of his fireplaces?

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  He has a logbook.

• What did one Christmas light say to the other?

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  You light up my life.

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Cracker jokes, knock knock starters and quick one liners. Perfect for greeting cards, family group chats and that awkward two minute lull before dinner is served.

• Knock knock. Who's there? Mary. Mary who?

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  Mary Christmas!

• What do you sing at a snowman's birthday?

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  Freeze a jolly good fellow.

• What's an elf's favourite kind of music?

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  Wrap.

• What do gingerbread men put on their beds?

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  Cookie sheets.

• Knock knock. Who's there? Snow. Snow who?

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  Snow business like show business.

• What's brown and creeps around the house?

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  Mince spies.

• What do you call a bankrupt Santa?

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  Saint Nickel-less.

• Why are mummies Santa's favourite helpers?

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  They're great at wrapping.

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Father Christmas has been the punchline of a million pub jokes. Here are the cleanest, most reusable ones.

• What does Santa do when his elves misbehave?

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  He gives them the sack.

• What kind of motorbike does Santa ride?

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  A Holly Davidson.

• Why does Santa have three gardens?

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  So he can ho-ho-ho.

• What's red, white and falls down chimneys?

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  Santa Klutz.

• How much did Santa pay for his sleigh?

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  Nothing — it was on the house.

• Who is Santa's favourite singer?

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  Elf-is Presley.

• What do you get if Santa goes down a lit chimney?

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  Crisp Kringle.

• Why is Santa so good at karate?

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  He has a black belt for a reason.

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Rudolph carries most of these. The reindeer joke is the format that keeps giving because every child knows the names.

• What do reindeer say before telling a joke?

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  This one's gonna sleigh you.

• Why did Rudolph get a bad school report?

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  Because he went down in history.

• What do you call a reindeer with no eyes?

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  No-eye-deer.

• How do reindeer get around the world so quickly?

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  They use the rein-ternet.

• What do you call a reindeer with no eyes and no legs?

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  Still no-eye-deer.

• What's a reindeer's favourite pizza topping?

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  Reindeer-roni.

• Why do reindeer wear bells?

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  Because their horns don't work.

• Where do reindeer go for breakfast?

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  IHOP — International House of Prancer.

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Trees, ornaments and tinsel are quietly the funniest props in the house. Read these while putting the tree up and the chore feels shorter.

• What did the Christmas tree say to the ornament?

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  Aren't you tired of just hanging around?

• Why are Christmas trees so bad at sewing?

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  They keep dropping their needles.

• What's a Christmas tree's favourite candy?

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  Orna-mints.

• Why was the Christmas tree always so calm?

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  It learned how to let things go.

• How do Christmas trees get on the internet?

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  They log on.

• What kind of tree fits in your hand?

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  A palm tree — but a fir's nicer at Christmas.

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Work safe, manager safe, all hands meeting safe. Use sparingly in Slack and never on a Friday afternoon.

• Why was the office Christmas party so quiet?

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  Because every joke fell flat — like the printer toner.

• What does HR call a Christmas bonus?

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  "We'll circle back in January."

• Why did the email get a Christmas card?

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  It always replied all.

• What's the best part of a Zoom Christmas party?

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  Leaving it.

• What did the laptop wear to the office party?

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  Its desktop.

• Why did the calendar feel festive in November?

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  Q4 finally had something to celebrate.

• How do you know a coworker really loves Christmas?

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  They send the calendar invite for next year on December 26.

• Send one of these to someone who needs a Christmas laugh.

The joke does most of the work. Your job is to not undo it. Three rules carry every Christmas joke across the table.

• Slow the setup, then snap the punchline. A good Christmas joke is rhythm. Read the question slowly, pause, then deliver the answer fast.
• Commit to the bad ones. The worse the pun, the more conviction it needs. A reluctant dad joke is worse than a confident terrible one.
• Stop after two. If you tell three jokes in a row, the table starts judging the average. Two and out, then come back later.

For more festive content to share, browse the Christmas messages page or queue up a few Christmas wishes for the people who would prefer something sincere over a pun.